Indiana
by Loaded Dice
Summary: Justin gets a job out in Indiana. Should he take it? Justin-centric, futurefic.


All in all, Justin was happy out in Indiana.

Sure, it was miles away from the City, and everything and everyone he had ever known.

Sure, there were more churches than you could poke a stick at (and Justin wasn't big on religion in those days).

And sure, it was nowhere near her.

Yes, all in all, Justin was happy out in Indiana.

* * *

He had gotten the teaching job at the University of Indiana through a friend's recommendation. It was a good job, and it paid well, but Justin spent a long time hemming and hawing about, uncertain of what he wanted to do.

"Just do it," she had told him, sounding irritable. Maybe he had been talking about it for too long and she was annoyed.

But even her insistence hadn't convinced him.

Justin's feelings for her had kept him in New York for college, though she had no idea, and he didn't want her to. She was happy - or, as happy as a girl like her could be - and had a steady boyfriend who she probably would get engaged to someday.

And Justin would tell himself that it was good that she had fallen in love with someone.

And that he was glad she never fell in love with him.

* * *

When they were teenagers, his feelings for her were easy to ignore. He dated other girls, even, and was able to feel some kind of real affection for them. But now, he couldn't even pretend. He had been forced to admit, after a string of painfully unsuccessful dates, that she was the only girl for him.

But he was, quite clearly, not the only man for her. She dated boy after boy, all the while telling him the details he didn't necessarily want to know.

And he would imagine himself kissing her, holding her, telling her he loved her, and then in the next moment, realize that he was glad it was all in his imagination.

Because he and her - they would never work out. It would be stupid - reckless, even - of them to try. It would be stupid of him to even tell her that he had _those_ kind of feelings for her. His revelation would only cause tension. Tension that was not needed, and tension that would wreck the relationship he had with her. And he didn't want to sacrifice that.

Justin was glad that he had never told her how he thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world.

Justin was glad that he had never said how much it pained him to listen to her talk about her boyfriends.

Justin was glad that he had never admitted to her that he was in love with her - and that always had and always would be.

And Justin was glad she never fell in love with him.

* * *

"If you're ever in trouble," his grandmother once told him, "go to the Church. They're the ones that'll help you through it."

Justin was so desperate that he did.

The Situation With Her was getting ridiculous. He was seriously considering giving up a important job at a good school for her? He didn't know who else to turn to.

"Father," he said into the confessional window.

"Yes?" the priest replied. He sounded young enough, and might even have understood Justin's inappropriate lust.

"My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart," he rattled off. "In choosing to do wrong, and failing to do good, I have sinned against you, whom I should love above all things. I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin." He took a deep breath. "It has been…a while since my last Confession."

"Alright," the priest said. "Continue when you're ready."

"Father, I need to be forgiven. Not for something I've done, but what I have thought about."

"And you consider these thoughts to be…sinful?" The priest asked.

"Yes, Father," Justin replied fervently.

"Are these thoughts spurred on by something - or someone - in particular?"

"Yes, Father," he repeated.

"Well, then, the answer is quite simple. It's just like the prayer says, 'Do penance, sin no more, and avoid whatever leads you to sin.'"

Justin was silent for a moment. "Will that work?"

"That depends on you," was the priest's reply. And the priest told him for penance to say a Hail Mary and an Our Father, and to "remember that the Lord forgives everyone."

Justin knelt in a pew a few rows away from the confessional, mentally going over the prayers.

It was so simple. The job offer had obviously been some kind of gift from God. A way to separate himself from her, and to let her have a chance at a normal life, without Justin ruining it in some way.

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen." Justin finished the prayer, and stood up, with new purpose.

He was going to move to Indiana.

He was going to avoid the one thing that would lead him to sin.

He might forget, even, how her hair shined and how her eyes lit up. He might forget how much he loved her.

And he would be glad she never fell in love with him.

* * *

In Indiana, he frequently received letters from his mother, who would write him about the goings-on in New York.

Her letters, though, would almost always mention her and where in the world she was that month.

He was glad that she was traveling, though. If he had told her about his feelings, she might have felt obligated to stay in the states with him.

So it was good that she got to do the traveling she'd always wanted to do.

He was glad she never fell in love with him.

* * *

Indiana was very far away from New York.

Miles away from her. But really, he was okay with that.

He was even beginning to accept the fact that he was never going to find someone that made him feel like she did. So he got a dog, to keep him company.

Justin found that it worked out quite nicely for him that they had never shared a truly intimate moment. That would have made it harder to forget her, he reasoned. And it was much easier to get over her without having done it.

Though, he had to admit, he was having trouble with the "getting over her" part.

In fact, you could say that - now and then, at least - she was all he thought about.

And with little to do between classes, Justin would sit and accidentally think about the way things _should_ have been with them.

He would have told her how she felt, and she would have cried and confessed she felt the same way.

They would have begun to date, stealing kisses when they thought no one else was looking.

They would have complained about each other's quirks, but all the while loving the other even more for them.

He would have given her the ring she had cooed over once in a shop window (that he subsequently bought, just in case) and asked her to marry him.

She would have jumped up into his arms and said yes.

They would have lived happily ever after.

They wouldn't have been siblings.

And Justin wouldn't have to try to convince himself that he was glad Alex never fell in love with him.


End file.
